If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”– Benjamin Franklin
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill
“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White
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